Saturday, August 25, 2007

Patience and presence

We bought our truck. Complete with camper and veggie oil conversion. The only trouble is its leaking oil. And the part to fix it had to be shipped in. And then it was the wrong part. So, although we planned to return late Wednesday night, we will most likely not be back until late tonight (Saturday). And I'm not even counting on that.

We spent most of our time in Prescott (where we bought the truck) waiting. When it became clear that we would not be returning to Tucson, we drove over to Flagstaff and have been here a couple of days. Also with little to do but hang out with our friend Tamie. (which was much more fun than waiting)

At first, I found this inability to "do" anything incredibly frustrating. All I could do was worry about what we had to do: We need to finish cleaning out our house. We need to get driver’s licenses with our new names. We need to pick up our incorporation papers and open a bank account. And write a hundred thank yous. And finish all the work to get our health insurance. And about a million other things that are all primarily located half a days drive from where we are currently stuck.

We ran out of clean clothes, and I worried about what it means for us financially to spend time where we we have neither food to eat or a place to stay (and thus must spend wads of cash to acquire).

But there’s something to be said for not being able to work.

When it was impossible to do anything, I found myself becoming more and more alive.

In these last days, as I have felt myself being frustrated. Sitting. Doing nothing. Thinking of all that needs to be done. I try to just be. To bring my awareness to the present moment- to all that is surrounding me and all that is giving life in my very presence.

And let me tell you friends, life is pretty sweet in this very moment. There is so much laughter, and love and light in the universe.

And the truth is, whatever we need to do might as well always be half a day's drive away. Because the future is not now. It's half a day's drive away. And all we can really do is be right now.

An ability to be present to what is happening now and worry only (if at all) about what needs to happen next is the learning I hope most to take from this journey. Since this is surely the first of many events I did not plan for. And since we will spend much of our time meeting new people. And just being.

I hope that I can do it. More than that, I hope I can keep it. I don’t know why I fill so much of my life worrying about what will come next.

But today, I'm not going to worry about why I worry.

I'm just going to be.

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